A Clear-Cut Case of Huh?!

I read this story on Friday, but only just found the time to discuss it. It's a bit dated now, unfortunately, but that doesn't make its contents any less disconcerting.

“'We did in fact see him alive,'” [Major General Bill] Caldwell said. 'He mumbled a little something but it was indistinguishable and it was very short.'”

A 'little something'? As in "Hey, have you guys seen my car keys?"

"'U.S. and Polish forces arrived intending to provide unspecified medical treatment...'"

If he was assumed dead, what was the treatment for?

“'[Zarqawi] attempted to sort of turn away off the stretcher, everybody reached to insert him back...'"

"Sort of turn away"?! Hey, by any chance did anyone use a gun to "insert him back"?

"[Caldwell said] an initial analysis of Zarqawi’s body was done but he was not certain it constituted a full autopsy."

So, um, what did it constitute? A college admission physical? A spray of "how the heck did you survive that, Damien?!" bullets?

“'[Zarqawi] obviously had some kind of visual recognition of who they were because he attempted to roll off the stretcher, as I am told, and get away, realizing it was U.S. military.'”

'Well, obviously. Like, um, totally duuuh...' I mean, who wouldn't be afraid of the U.S. military?
'Some kind of visual recognition' — now that sounds like an official analysis of the situation. Thanks, Colombo!

"Caldwell said another foreign-born militant was poised to take over the terror network’s operations."

No kidding, huh? So you mean the war isn't over? This reminds me of a story I once heard about fecal matter and a guy named "Sherlock." Incidentally, does the realization that there's always going to be someone new "taking over" make you think y'all might want to reconsider your goals and objectives?

"He said Egyptian-born Abu al-Masri would likely take the reins of al-Qaida in Iraq."

Let's call him "Abu-bu" for kicks. As in, "Do you need a Band-Aid for your Abu-bu?"

"The U.S. military had displayed images of the battered face of al-Zarqawi and reported that he was identified by fingerprints, tattoos and scars. But Caldwell said Friday that authorities made a visual identification of al-Zarqawi at the site of the airstrike."

OK. So was his face battered, or not? And when you're dealing with the #2 terrorist in the world, I'm not sure I want the story of his life or death to hinge on a "visual identification." Shesh. Even I've heard of decoys.

So that's my way of having fun with Maj. Gen. Bill Caldwell and his "astute" analysis of the situation. Sadly, I think the Carmen Sandiago gumshoes could've done a better job.

And here's my beef with the media: when I first read that story on Friday, and then revisited it 20 minutes later to begin writing this piece, the story had already been altered. It initially included questions such as:

Why does Zarqawi's face look so purty if he just had two 500 pound bombs dropped on him? [Caldwell's answer in a nutshell: "we just don't know how an ordinary man could've survived a blast like that"] and

How long was he alive after the blast?
[Answer: "just a few minutes" and "he died shortly after the Polish medics arrived"... the story later changed to have him dying shortly after the U.S. military arrived... and then over this past weekend, we learned he was alive for some 50 minutes after the blast.]

These and other segments were deleted without explanation.

There's comes a time in every person's life when you've got to learn how to tell fact from fiction. As for myself: I'm tired of sorting through the rubbish.