Tuesday, February 13, 2007

New Government Agency to be Modeled after '24'

It's official.

Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff announced Tuesday that he's spearheading a new terrorism division that will work in conjunction with the Department of Defense.

The new division, termed the United States "Anti-Terrorism Unit," will be modeled after the Counter-Terrorism Unit as seen on the Fox bombshell, 24.

"Between all of those cool gadgets they use to intercept phone calls, and the way they can unscramble information sent over a secure internet connection, we think a similar organization could really prove useful in our ongoing War on Terror," Chertoff said.

"Plus," Chertoff added, "That Jack Bauer guy is really hot."

Skeptics of this proposed Anti-Terrorism Unit were quick to remind Gates and Chertoff of a disastrous attempt in the mid-90's to model yet another agency after a blockbuster hit.

Both chiefs were quick to wave off any concerns.

"In no way, shape or form does the ATU resemble the senior [President] Bush's Impossible Mission Force or 'IMF'," said Chertoff.

"Besides, we're dealing with an entirely new enemy now," Gates chimed in.

The news of the ATU arrives as the debate continues to heat up regarding the efficacy of pre-existing government agencies.

"Call me crazy," said one concerned American. "But isn't that what the CIA, the FBI, the NSA and the Secret Service are supposed to be doing?"

The CIA was under fire by the 9/11 Commission for its failure to detect and/or prevent the 9/11 attacks. Additionally, it was "bad information" from the CIA that led to the U.S. invasion of Iraq.

"That's what's so great about the ATU," said Defense Secretary Robert Gates. "Even when they receive bad information, Jack Bauer is determined to get to the bottom of the situation — and in less than a day!"

"Certainly, we're hoping our new Anti-Terrorism Unit won't involve as many deaths and personal tragedies as what you see on 24," Gates continued. "But that's a risk we're willing to take."

"Also, we'd like to avoid any presidential assassinations or nuclear explosions in metropolitan areas [as seen on 24]. But otherwise, we think the folks at CTU really know what they're doing," added Chertoff.

Actor Kiefer Sutherland has been tapped as a potential candidate to head up this new division.

"The experience he's garnered by playing Jack Bauer could prove invaluable to the success of ATU," said Gates. "If nothing else, we'd like for him to serve as a consultant."

Sutherland was unavailable for comment.


XOXO said...

It all makes sense to me! Man, Hollywood is so smart.

Academic Advisor said...

I have to ask, T. Did you write this or rip it off from The Onion? Either way, I've always thought that this brand of satire is a little too close to reality to get more than a nervous chuckle from me. Clever and amusing, yes. Really funny... I haffta say, no.

thirdworstpoetinthegalaxy said...

AcAd - It's 100% mine (or shouldn't I claim it?).

I've caught bits and pieces of 24 this year, and I can't help but think that Chertoff is at home scanning the show for ideas. Hence this post.

Satire tends me make me a little nervous as well. That's why I'm such a fan of The Onion.

thirdworstpoetinthegalaxy said...

All right, all right. So no one liked this post. So I don't have a future with The Onion. But the idea amused me, at least. And in this case... I guess that's gonna hafta be enough.