News Snooze

I realize Martin Luther King Jr. Day was Monday, but it's never too late to poke fun of our shining political stars and the manner in which they observed the occasion.

Take, for example, former President Clinton's (and possibly our future First Man) response to a related sermon (I'm including the link in case the embed video below doesn't work).



Or this little girl's reaction to a pep talk by our current fearless leader.

I feel the same way, kid. I really do.

And as if that weren't enough, Huck Norris has put out a hit on John McCain. And by that I mean, if John McCain dies of natural causes, we'll know that the "natural cause" is a Chuck-style judo chop.





And what, pray tell, do you think Obama was referring to in Monday night's debates when asked about Bill Clinton's status as our first black president (so-called by author Tony Morrison). Here's the exchange between Obama and Hillary, as quoted on Dallas News:

When asked whether Bill Clinton was the nation's first black president, as some African-Americans contend, Mr. Obama said he would have to study the evidence.

"I would have to, you know, investigate more of Bill's dancing abilities and some other stuff before I accurately judge whether he was in fact a brother," Mr. Obama said.

Mrs. Clinton added: "Well, I'm sure that can be arranged."

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"Other stuff," Barack? Methinks a "wink, wink, nudge, nudge" was in order.

And lastly, for those of you still searching for the one, true religion, your prayers have been answered.

Psych!

OK, so thanks to everyone for your comments and e-mails expressing concern that perhaps I've taken this "Cat Lady" thing a bit too far.

In which case I feel compelled to tell you that I was (mostly) just playing around. I mean, sure, many of those bullets applied to me. And, yeah, maybe I need to get out a little more. But, c'mon, if there's one coping mechanism I've learned from life, it's that it's best to make fun of yourself before someone else does.

Even if you have to exaggerate and self-deprecate a little.

Speaking of hyperbole and self-defecation: the 2008 primaries are in full swing, and if you haven't been paying attention you're, like, the only one.

Here's a nifty little tool that helps you figure out at-a-glance which candidate's beliefs are most aligned with your own. Consider it the Cliffs Notes version of doing your political homework. Oh, and if that doesn't work for you... click on this cheat-sheet:

It's a little outdated — some of those candidates have long since dropped out — but you get the idea.

In Case You Missed It

Or as I'm calling the combined team, "Huck Norris."

Anyway. If Huckabee wins, you know he's going to appoint Chuck to secretary of something. My guess is Secretary of Defense (which he'll promptly rename, "Secretary of Whoop A$$").

Somewhere in a cave in Pakistan, bin Laden is afraid.

You should be, Osama.

You should be.

I [Heart] Huckabee

So I heard on some crazy news program Sunday morning that this guy named Mike Huckabee is leading the Republican primary polls in Iowa.

And I think I speak for much of America when I say: Who the heck if Mike Huckabee?!

I had scarcely heard of him prior to this weekend, and now he's leading the polls?

Romney and Guilliani must've really ticked off the Iowans.

Criminey. I mean, I'm not saying I vote Republican, but a sad majority (sort of) managed to do just that the last two presidential elections — and since we all know how important those Iowa polls are — I figure it's my civic duty to learn a thing or two about our next possible Commander in Chief.

So I did a little research on Mr. Huckabee and found out there was a film made about his family a couple years ago, staring Dustin Hoffman, Lily Tomlin, Jude Law, Mark Whalberg (the brother of 80s heartthrob, Donnie), and other people. I can't say for certain, but I'm pretty sure Mike Huckabee has a cameo appearance as himself in that film.

Anyway. The movie got so-so reviews and most people don't even realize it exists, which I guess is how America felt about Huckabee (the politician) at first, too. Turns out he's a devout Southern Baptist from the town of Hope, Arkansas. A two-term governor of that state, too, where he's known for dropping 110 pounds, living in a mobile home while the governor's "mansion" underwent repairs; and being a "liberal in disguise."

Oh, and, also: he's being endorsed by Chuck Norris. No kidding.

I'm not telling you what to think about him. I've hardly decided myself. But, man, if a vote for Mike Huckabee is a vote for Chuck Norris, I'm in.

Anyway. If you want to learn more, you can go here. Or here. Or maybe... here.

Bacterial Election

Election day is here, and I couldn't be more thrilled.

And, no, it's not because this will be my first time voting in this state.

Nor is it because I'm one of millions out there hoping for a House flipping that will transform our Commander-in-Chief into a lame duck.

Rather, my excitement is powered more so by my desire to have those wretched advertisements (television and otherwise) put to a halt. The attack ads have been so vicious this year, I've found myself rolling my eyes to the tune of every political party. In short: with so much mud being slung around, even I feel dirty.

In many of the races here, voters only know of the candidates what their opponents have said. In which case, we're literally choosing the lesser of two evils because we haven't heard a single good thing about anyone.

For the first time in my life, I'm going to vote for the "little guys" who don't have a chance in at least two races, just to contest all of the negative energy I've had to endure at the hands of big money yarn spinners.

Does that mean the little guys wouldn't have turned up the productivity on the "NEGATIVE AD" machine if they had the money?

They probably would have. But at this point... I don't really care.

Here's what we're dealing with: the two "main" gubernatorial candidates both have very low approval ratings (think "President Bush" low). And yet the incumbent has a 14-point lead over his opponent.

He was asked what he thought about his low approval rating, and he said something to the effect of: "What do I have to be offended about? I'm ahead 14 points. And, to me, that's great news."

OK, sure. It's great news for you. And, yeah, you're likely that proverbial lesser of two evils. But don't you even care that we don't want you, either?

I'm so tired of that dude talking about all the "negative ads" his opponent put out when, in fact, he turned on the heat months ago. In other words: HE STARTED IT!

[Could you tell I was using my best "angry young kid fighting with sibling" voice? Because I was.]

At one point last week, I saw my very first (and only) "THIS AD IS ABOUT ME AND ONLY ME" commercial.

"Holy smokes!" I thought. "I don't care what she stands for... I'm voting for her!"

Turns out she wasn't in my district.

Eh. Who cares. I'm writing her in for Governor.