For Just One Dollar a Day!

Where I grew up, National Public Radio meant nothing. I hadn't heard of it and, even if I had, there weren't any frequencies nearby that carried the signal.

In my neck of the woods (and I mean woods quite literally), you had the option of a couple oldies stations; two or three country stations; and two "pop" stations in nearby counties. If you hit one of the state roads and went anywhere near civilization, a couple alternative and hard rock stations would also make an appearance. But never NPR.

At least not to my recollection. It's always possible I channel surfed right past public radio during one of those commutes, but even if I did, I never stopped to listen. Here's why:

NPR is funded by public donations. They garner public donations via radio telethons. And I despise telethons — almost violently so. I've been reminded of this every day for over a week now, as my (now) beloved NPR uses precious airwaves to plead for money.

I started listening to this publically-funded station just over a year ago. It's nice to know that whenever another station goes on a commercial break, I can switch to NPR for news, insightful commentary, traffic reports, etc. And, on the weekends, I also occasionally indulge in the comical program Wait, Wait... Don't Tell Me!. I enjoy "Wait, Wait..." quite a bit, as I do some of the lunch-time explorations of art, literature, music, etc.

But every time NPR does a radio broadcast telethon, I feel like giving it all up, if only to spare myself the occasional agony of listening to monotone, sleepy-time voices plead for money while cracking terrible jokes and fumbling for words. For me, it's the equivalent of nails scratching a chalkboard.

If you've never experienced this sound, or the joys of an NPR telethon, you might at least remember that Saturday Night Live skit, "Delicious Dish on NPR" with Molly Shannon and Ana Gasteyer. Alec Baldwin was often a featured guest, selling culinary treats such as his "Schweddy Balls" and "Schweddy Wieners." Remember the soothing, uninflectable (new word!) voices Gasteyer and Shannon used on the show? That's every voice on every NPR telethon. And I'm only exaggerating slightly.

Maybe it's because I'm a few pay grades away from being able to afford "a dollar a day" donation to NPR. Maybe it's because I hate that I take advantage of the programming without "pitching in" to help (we all hate guilty reminders!). Maybe it's that every few months, there's an entire week where I hear "Even if you can't afford a dollar a day, you can at least show your support for just $12.50 a month..." whenever I desperately need to hear the traffic report. Or maybe it really is just the irritation I experience by listening to those stale voices make their pleas.

Whatever "it" is, the fact remains... I loathe these campaigns. And though I won't claim to have a more compelling voice or well-defined sense of humor than these telethon jockeys... I do know there's got to be a better way. Surely just an occasional plug here and there? A mail insert pleading for cash whenever they're sending membership materials to donors from previous years (no extra mailing cost)? Working with schools to have kids sell "discount" cards that function primarily to raise money for NPR, but entice donations by offering discounts at the restaurant/store/et cetera of any corporate sponsor? A well-publicized Internet campaign that promises to NOT waste airtime begging for cash if they raise so many dollars on the web?

Or, at the very least, how about better integrating the "we need cash" discussion in with actual programming? Or having interesting people with real stories and funny jokes "make the ask"?

If any of the above were the case, I might actually throw in a couple twenties every year. Truth is, I like what NPR does. But one week every couple months, everything I like about them is almost completely undone.

End rant.